Bio of a Potato Guy

Cartoons allow all kinds of personification, which inevitably leads to confusion. For instance, the classic question, "If Mickey's a mouse, and Pluto's his dog, what's Goofy?"

In the case of my current "mini-graphic novel" project, I like taking human-world objects and using them in potato society: a penny becomes a discus, a cocktail sword can be wielded to fend off a rabbit, etc. But then things start getting weird, if you look too close. In the arcade where they play "Ring Toss" and a Pac-Man watch as stand-up arcade games, you see a small coin on the floor, and an Icee cup scaled down to fit the hand of a fruit-girl. Well, I guess sentient produce have attained modern manufacturing methods after all. 

Joplin Found

Sunday's tornado in Joplin, Missouri shredded, among other things, the records of St. John's Hospital. Soon they said x-rays from there were found up to 70 miles away. Well, today I found mine. This sort of debris has fallen on my workplace before, but this may be a distance record.

The back is spattered with pulpy insulation bits and fibers. In the close-up you can see the patient's name, hospital, date, and more.

I Forgot My Damn Juice!

Realized when I got home, I forgot my fucking juice at Dollar General. Left it at the bagging carousel. The cashier said, "You have a wonderful evening" with what seemed like full sincerity, and I walked off with just one bag. No way is it worth driving back there for just that, so I'm hoping the same guy will be there tomorrow evening so I can ask about reclaiming the son-of-a-bitch. It was V8 Splash.

Cranial Stomp International

What's more pointlessly fun than looking at one's blog stats? I like checking out the list of countries that I've had traffic from. None of it tells me anything, really, but I can speculate with abandon.

After the U.S. and the U.K., third in my all-time hits is Germany. I suspect this is because of my entry "Human Centipede Revisited," which expands the Human Centipede concept into the Muppets universe. While the movie is not German per se, I think the main actor is, and I put a link to my drawing on the Facebook pages of both Dieter Laser and Tom Six. This probably brought in my Dutch visitors as well.

Who knows why I have hits from Croatia, Slovenia, and Russia, but I do. My wife says it is because of the SLUTS. She has a slight but colorful obsession with Eastern Bloc women—she says they will do unethical things to my privates, come to America to seduce me into sham marriages, then kill me in my sleep. I think this is because I once wrote about entertaining myself on a "Russian Brides" website, which featured lots of impossibly hot photos. The Czech Republic seems to pump out more than its fair share of porn-worthy sluts, I'm guessing because lots of movies are filmed there now, so maybe hot girls flock there for job opportunities. In any case, I doubt I'm drawing much slut traffic, but it's fun to consider. That's why I mention the Czech Republic—I don't have them yet, but maybe I can attract them. Bring on the Eastern Bloc sluts!

In the past month, I've picked up a fan in Iran. Whoever it is, they've returned a few times, so they must have an interest in either beekeeping, cockleburs, frogs in pipes, or Easter candy. Or maybe they stand united with me in a universal loathing of Garfield.

Malaysia? Two hits. Your guess is as good as mine.

Canada is just good ol' Canada. Solid fourth in supporting Cranial Stomp. Could be this guy Brad Pine, a Red Rogue fan from way back.

My most-viewed page ever remains "Pirate Ship Name Generator," which is really just a plug for another site. Second is "World's Fattest Ferret," which is a lie because it's a picture of a cat—sure to enrage all the ferret-lovers who googled their way to what they hoped would be ferret fun-tasy.

Let's have some revealing comments, you foreigners! Especially if you are sluts.

Schadenfreude Pick-me-up

Whenever I need a little mood booster, I just look at this picture. For some reason, it makes me feel better. Thank you, W. P. Armstrong.

Swarm!

After two years humoring this bee colony in my building at work, they were starting to get me down. Twice last week they began swarming inside the hallway below, through some cracks in the wall apparently. I just had to show up and spray them all dead, which was gross because, not only did I end up with hundreds of dead bees, but they basically death-barfed honey everywhere. I guess when they prepare to swarm, they load up on honey for the journey, so they're like living honey bombs if you kill them.

After two rounds of exploring an area of ductwork and ceiling-to-wall joints where errant bees kept popping out of holes, I sealed all cracks with expanding foam and seemed to have them sealed outside again. The next day, I went on the roof to check on an air conditioner problem. Just 20 feet from the main hive, I found this pile of bees.

iPhone shadow converging on honeybee convention

Just a few days earlier, I'd seen this on the hive wall and called a beekeeper, but by the time he got there a few hours later, they were gone. He'd said he was going to spray them with sugar water and scoop them into a wooden crate, so I decided to try it myself. I had a jug of Sprite syrup from a soda fountain. I had kicked the habit of adding it to water to make a Sprite-flavored kool-aid drink, so this would be a good use for it. I mixed a spray bottle of around 4:1 water to syrup. I punched some air holes in a 5-gallon bucket lid. Then I put on a ski mask, hooded sweatshirt, and heavy gloves.

The sugar water was supposed to keep them from flying, which didn't really work. There were always a number of flyers whose job appeared to be air defense. I kept misting the pile and the flyers, but there was really no keeping them down. Luckily, most of them remained docile in the swarm heap. I started scooping them up with a plastic dustpan and dumping them into the bucket. Soon everything became sticky with Sprite. My shoes were sticking to the roof and I was trying not to step on bees. Every minute or so, the flyers would get more numerous and aggressive, so I'd mist them, back out, check myself for mad bees, and start again.

Soon I had about 90% of them in the bucket. I sent a picture to the beekeeper and told him I was catching them. I put the lid on the bucket so they wouldn't fly out, but for the most part they just sat in there regardless of what I did. I took the bucket down to the ground, then got a small cardboard box and put the last few hundred bees in it. The beekeeper said he would come get them in a couple hours, and said I should put the bucket out of the sun, so I did.

is the queen in here?

inside the bee bucket

So I handed the bucket and the box off to the bee man. I never got stung, which I think is more about the bees being good and less about my technique. The main hive seems normal again. Hopefully I sent the swarm off to better opportunities, where they won't get sprayed with poison or flat pop. Now pollinate, my swarm!