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Friday, October 11, 2013

Redneck Tales of Wonder

(Yes, I wish I had photos for this one.)

Some months ago, my mom's friend Patty was in a car crash on my parents' road. She was okay, but her car was quite damaged. The other car had apparently run a stop sign at the crossroads, partly because big weeds obscure the sign. The other driver was a fat guy who acted weird, laughing about the collision.

Today my dad said he saw the same car run by the same stop sign without stopping, but with a woman looking at a phone. "Hey, that's the same car that hit Patty." A little later, he took my mom down the road to find the people, because he is an old cranky guy who sometimes likes to berate people who fuck up. My mom thought he would talk to the driver, but when they got there, he told her to get out and talk. I guess she went to knock on the door, even though she didn't want to.

Out came a big turkey, which apparently functioned as a watchdog. Hanging on a fence was a wooden paddle, offered for defending oneself from the turkey. Story is sketchy here. I don't know if it was labeled "turkey paddle," or if it was simply located such that any alert person would be eager to have it at the moment of turkey aggression. My wife and I imagined it went something like this:

MOM: "Oh, I see a turkey!"
DAD: "Norma! Grab that paddle—turkey's comin'."
MOM: "What? ... he's always yelling at me."
DAD: "Get that paddle! Gah!" (rolls up window)
MOM: "oh no, this turkey's coming to get me!"

By and by, my mom got the paddle and used it to fend off the turkey. She gained the porch and knocked, but no one ever came to the door. Giving up, she got back in the car. As they left, somewhere on the property (story is sketchy again), they saw a very fat man—the one who drove the renegade car into Patty—sitting naked in a chair. "Or he may have been wearing underwear, it was hard to tell," said my mom, " but I think he was completely naked, and he smiled and waved at us."

They decided not to go talk to him.