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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Introducing "Life Force" Team

At my maintenance-man job I got a call from a new tenant who needed a key to get in their office. Once I figured out who and where they were, I ran over with keys to open the door. They’d already moved in, but I guess the boss was gone and the key they had wasn’t working. No big deal.

But then I got a big tour of their operation, and a primer on who they were. I was meeting a tall, old guy named Bill and a short beefy guy I’ll call Gus. They were really friendly guys, but I could sense immediately their crackpot nature. Bill offered me water to drink, but this was no ordinary water. He took me to a machine hooked into the faucet, saying, “Now this is some good water for you. It’s got a PH of 2, and it’ll cure what ails you. Helps your blood pressure, clears up your skin, keeps you from getting constipated if you ever get constipated, which is more of a problem with women.” I was thirsty, so I took the cup he was handing me, and he dispensed me some water. I thanked him and expected to leave, but then he wanted to show me more. The first water dispenser was 1200 dollars, but they had another that was 3100 or so, and both of them could raise or lower the PH by a few points. “You can make it acid water and use it for cleaning, which they do in Japan, save you a lot on soap, plus all the health benefits, but the government here just isn’t ready to approve it.” Then he pointed to a pile of fruit on a counter and said, “Our boss is a vegetarian—there’s a picture of him,” and he was pointing to a middle-aged shirtless guy flexing in a photo on a foamboard sign. “He was run over by a truck, but now he’s better, and he owes it all to eating right and drinking healing water.” Above the picture of “John Three Eagles” it said FEEL LIKE A MILLOINAIR (sic) and I realized there were misspellings everywhere in that place, along with lots of American flag imagery and pictures of eagles. Bill told me twice that I could come in and get water any time I wanted to, just use my key. I said thanks, but I try not to intrude on tenants’ spaces unless necessary. He kept insisting that I needed that water. Then he handed me a flyer titled “BODY ANALYZER,” packed with many typos. He said, “We can also check your body for health problems. The machine’s not here today, but come back and we can put you on it. We hook electrodes to your acupressure points, and it gives numbers for your readings. If it says “0,” you’re dead. If it says “100,” you’re about to have a nervous breakdown.” This made me laugh a little. “It can tell you about health problems before they happen. It saved my wife’s life.” I said, “Huh, wow, well, I think I’m in pretty good health. I’ve only had to go to the hospital once in about 20 years, so I guess I’m doing okay.”

“Let me go get you those keys,” I said after some other stuff about postwar Asia, where Bill had been in the military and had missed a chance to bring early VCR technology to America from the “Orientals.” On my way back to my office, I confirmed on the Body Analyzer flyer that it did indeed “save Gloria life” (sic). In a few minutes, I was back with the keys. Bill and Gus didn’t hear me come in from the hall, and I heard one of them grumble, “I don’t feel too good today.”

The next day I saw papers in the dumpster near their office that said LIFE FORCE. Then I found out that someone named Tor from their office had already followed the next-door legal secretary to her car enough times that she was carrying a stun gun and considering a restraining order. Go team LIFE FORCE!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Woody's Witnesses

Apparently you can’t shake a Jehovah’s Witness by being polite. This guy keeps coming to see me two or three times a year, and I want to mash a pie in his face, but he’s kind of a smiling dope, and last time he brought a buddy in a suit and his pretty daughter, who stayed in the minivan. I just don’t have the heart/balls to say, “Look, dummies, your beliefs are lame. You keep holding up the Bible and saying it’s God’s word, but every single time you’ve said the world is nearing its end YOU’VE BEEN WRONG. If God made the Earth AND wrote the Bible, which is the more authoritative text? I say the Earth. It’s a fucking PLANET, and it speaks in many ways, saying that it’s billions of years old, saying that evolution happened and is still happening. Science is right every time, because it rewrites itself constantly. Read the planet. The Bible is an antique.”

Last episode, they read me some Bible and kept justifying its truth by pointing out how popular it is, and how long it’s been around. POPULAR: “It’s sold more copies than any other book!” I said, “Yeah, except for the year that Hitler put out Mien Kampf—that was the only time a book outsold the Bible,” but they didn’t seem discouraged from using popularity as a gage for truth, even after I pointed out that there are probably more copies of the Koran on the other side of the planet. Then it was on to the longevity of the Bible: “It’s been around for 2000 years!” Well, there are hieroglyphs in Egypt much older, maybe they are the real truth... but again, science wins: fossils are up to a billion years old, telling the true story. Some meteorites are even older, not to mention light from quasars, etc.

Since they always leave me with copies of The Watchtower and Awake!, I should take those door-to-door and explain to people why they’re such bunk: “Hey, look at this bullshit! Isn’t it a hoot? Even the pictures are dumb.” If you’d like to become one of Woody’s Witnesses, I’ll get you a Bible and some Watchtowers, and we’ll spread the good news.