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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Wacky Astronauts (A Party Game?)

My nominations for the crew of a Mars mission, where astronauts will be cooped up together for over 100 days each way:

In the command module:
Ann Coulter, Sean Penn, and Flavor Flav

but then in the landing party:
Hillary Clinton, Gene Simmons, and Kim Jong Il

and in cryogenic capsules for colonizing the surface:
Ted Nugent, Richard Simmons, and George Will

plus mission control:
John McLaughlin, Bill O'Reilley, and Hunter S. Thompson

Shitass from the Past

Some guy (not the guy above--that's my neighbor who yells instead of talking and bellows instead of yelling) came down the sidewalk here in the "Nichols Splendor" neighborhood and saw me mowing my yard. What caught his eye was my motorless lawnmower, the "reel mower" which is the mower of choice for treehuggers, masochists, and of course The Little Rascals. After I gave my mower a quick review (cuts good, but not for crabgrass or twigs, etc) this guy says something like, "You know that thing they did a while back, where they made it aginst the law to own a coupla niggers? Well, after that, one of our neighbors had to get rid a her niggers, and she hired me and my brother to run a mower like this, and now that was a lot of work."

I just grinned and said "yeah," hoping my wife was eavesdropping from one of our windows, but he just went on and on. I wanted to say, "What are you, a hundred and thirty years old?" and "Did you notice the Obama sticker on my wife's car?"

He also accused one of the trees in my back yard of being a "piss elm"! What the fuck?