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Sunday, April 11, 2010

In the Age of Plenty

Are we living in the golden age of consumer goods? Obviously not until the following products hit the shelves near ME.

• Individually wrapped raisins—They're not far off, considering we now have individually wrapped prunes (Sunsweet ONES). I know cellophane is cheap, so please, by all means, throw the freshness lever into overdrive. I also don't see why the Cheerios have to be touching each other so indiscriminately in one big communal Stale-apalooza. Get them bastards wrapped up private-like so's I can peel open like 300 li'l Cheerio envelopes before every bowl and crush them like brittle Spartans betwixt me teeth.

• BLOGURT—Because when I saw GoGurt, the sleeve-tube of yogurt for people on the go, which you can slurp out like a melted Fla-vor-ice, I thought, "I'm sorry, as yogurt delivery systems go, that's still not lightning fast enough for MY busy lifestyle." I propose BLOGURT, the creamy yogurt in a syringe. If you've ever seen tubes of horse wormer, you know what a treat you're in for. Just push the nozzle to the back of your tongue, depress the plunger and suppress your gag reflex—you just swallowed a cooool blast of yogurt. You'll never use a spoon again. And watch for the hypodermic version, YO-SHOOT-UP, the injectable yogurt that kicks like a mule.

• Full facial shaver—Three blades? Totally weak. Four blades? Just dandy, pantywaist. Five blades? Saw it and yawned. I'm just gonna sit out the rest of this penny-ante bullshit until I get what I want and DEMAND: a full-face mask of pure razorblade performance, custom-fitted to the contours of my face. Just submit a 3-D topographical scan of your face to Schick or whoever has the industrial fortitude to finally do something right for a change. A razor mask arrives by FedEx each morning, vibrating in its Hydro-Cool pack of soothing aloe gel. Just insert your face, pull down one-sixteenth of an inch, draw your eyebrows back on, and you're smooth again for only about 600 bucks per shave. What will we call it? The MegaShave? The Shave in the Iron Mask? The Motherfucking Endgame for Stubble? Clive Barker's Hellrazor?


Barbaro said...

Brilliant. I was just refueling my almost-waning hatred of cheap consumer crap with I-don't-remember-what when your post came along and reminded me of all the ways I wish I were able to waste even more of my not-all-that-hard-earned money.

Chad Woody said...

I find I have to be shopping with someone else (my wife) for retail absurdity to accrete and stick to my ribs... by myself, I either get in and out of the store w/ ruthless efficiency, or I find myself lingering on new breakthroughs in commerce and saying things like, "Man, I definitely want these mini Roc 'Em Soc 'Em Robots designed to be plopped into Easter baskets!" To reduce hypocrisy, I hereby admit to that as a recent purchase. Sadly, I haven't opened them because A) I have no one to play them with, and B) it's not even about the having--it's about the ACQUIRING.