Woody's Witnesses

Apparently you can’t shake a Jehovah’s Witness by being polite. This guy keeps coming to see me two or three times a year, and I want to mash a pie in his face, but he’s kind of a smiling dope, and last time he brought a buddy in a suit and his pretty daughter, who stayed in the minivan. I just don’t have the heart/balls to say, “Look, dummies, your beliefs are lame. You keep holding up the Bible and saying it’s God’s word, but every single time you’ve said the world is nearing its end YOU’VE BEEN WRONG. If God made the Earth AND wrote the Bible, which is the more authoritative text? I say the Earth. It’s a fucking PLANET, and it speaks in many ways, saying that it’s billions of years old, saying that evolution happened and is still happening. Science is right every time, because it rewrites itself constantly. Read the planet. The Bible is an antique.”

Last episode, they read me some Bible and kept justifying its truth by pointing out how popular it is, and how long it’s been around. POPULAR: “It’s sold more copies than any other book!” I said, “Yeah, except for the year that Hitler put out Mien Kampf—that was the only time a book outsold the Bible,” but they didn’t seem discouraged from using popularity as a gage for truth, even after I pointed out that there are probably more copies of the Koran on the other side of the planet. Then it was on to the longevity of the Bible: “It’s been around for 2000 years!” Well, there are hieroglyphs in Egypt much older, maybe they are the real truth... but again, science wins: fossils are up to a billion years old, telling the true story. Some meteorites are even older, not to mention light from quasars, etc.

Since they always leave me with copies of The Watchtower and Awake!, I should take those door-to-door and explain to people why they’re such bunk: “Hey, look at this bullshit! Isn’t it a hoot? Even the pictures are dumb.” If you’d like to become one of Woody’s Witnesses, I’ll get you a Bible and some Watchtowers, and we’ll spread the good news.

Wacky Astronauts (A Party Game?)

My nominations for the crew of a Mars mission, where astronauts will be cooped up together for over 100 days each way:

In the command module:
Ann Coulter, Sean Penn, and Flavor Flav

but then in the landing party:
Hillary Clinton, Gene Simmons, and Kim Jong Il

and in cryogenic capsules for colonizing the surface:
Ted Nugent, Richard Simmons, and George Will

plus mission control:
John McLaughlin, Bill O'Reilley, and Hunter S. Thompson

Shitass from the Past

Some guy (not the guy above--that's my neighbor who yells instead of talking and bellows instead of yelling) came down the sidewalk here in the "Nichols Splendor" neighborhood and saw me mowing my yard. What caught his eye was my motorless lawnmower, the "reel mower" which is the mower of choice for treehuggers, masochists, and of course The Little Rascals. After I gave my mower a quick review (cuts good, but not for crabgrass or twigs, etc) this guy says something like, "You know that thing they did a while back, where they made it aginst the law to own a coupla niggers? Well, after that, one of our neighbors had to get rid a her niggers, and she hired me and my brother to run a mower like this, and now that was a lot of work."

I just grinned and said "yeah," hoping my wife was eavesdropping from one of our windows, but he just went on and on. I wanted to say, "What are you, a hundred and thirty years old?" and "Did you notice the Obama sticker on my wife's car?"

He also accused one of the trees in my back yard of being a "piss elm"! What the fuck?

Big Dreams Dan

It is funny to me that there is a guy I know through work that my wife and I call "Big Dreams Dan," and he'll never know that he's called that because it's really kind of a sardonic sort of insult meant to point out how he's an investment guy who has acted like he could buy and sell the world, and considering the buckling economy, his dreams have probably become much runtier and more realistic lately. Well, here's to Big Dreams Dan, and all the other people/animals with code names in the Chad Woody and Heather Johansen universe: ResponsiBilly, Hohn-Zone, Gran-Man, Captain Shannon, Catie Hulk-Legs, Purr-Baby, Squishy, Applehead Doll, Oreo Speedwagon, Harley Man, T-Hole, Sex Chicken Meth Mouth, Thor/Awkward Questions Kid, Schatzee, Marvonasaurus, Dr. Thunder and many more, in the land of Nichols Splendor and beyond. "God bless us, every one."

Funny Sufferings

While searching websites to diagnose my sore throat and swollen lymph node, I found a guy's postings that built up to a funny climax, where he was fed up with the medical world's failure to cure him... so fed up that basic punctuation and syntax were dissolving--or maybe that's one of his symptoms:

that sounds hell similar to the shit i've got like almost exactly the same. Do the doctors still say to you that it just must be a viral infection? cause thats what they tell me but im like bullshit a viral infection don't last this long & im takin hella vitamins & eating right & all that shit aswell. We gotta try get better dog we can't let this shit consume our lives. Lifes way to short to be sick!

Red Rogue Choose-Your-Own-Adventure On the Drawing Board

Featuring gags, gagging, time travel, savage beatings, sophisticated social drama engendering the themes of Henry James, and the behavioral dangers of a childless existence, this Red Rogue epic will plaster your balls to your face if you ever happen to read it, and if I ever happen to finish it.

Black Clouds of Standard Expectation

When a headache goes too far,
the cuttlefish of emotion pulsates
into radioactive splendor, dismantling
your basic sea-monkey worldview.
Bolster your pissant log-flume crew,
lift your saggy belly-dough to the skies
and butter your ass with applesauce
because the going around just came
around. The cat's pajamas been
riding up hard. The corn-cob game.
Nodules upon nodules. Nubbin time.
Beat your meat to goddamn ribbons
in the name of Palin Babies by the ton,
by the goddamn cubic mile, Pigtwat.

I'm talking to you, Rush Limbaugh.
Actually, I'm talking to myself,
but silently, not bugshit loudly
like the dude at the post office
who kept doing verbal mathematics
four feet away while I was trying to
weigh some shit on a robo-scale.
What an embarrassing citizen.

Fish With A Gun in Technicolor

Sex Toy

Who put this sexualized mammal in my breakfast cereal?

It slides lasciviously around in a reclined and lewd pose.

My wife and I both find it revolting...

Matt Wittmer Action Figure

I think the pirate toy looks like Matt Wittmer, but Matt says no, no way. If you know Matt, tell him he looks like the toy version of him. He won't know what the hell you're talking about by then, but tell him anyway.