Woody's Witnesses

Apparently you can’t shake a Jehovah’s Witness by being polite. This guy keeps coming to see me two or three times a year, and I want to mash a pie in his face, but he’s kind of a smiling dope, and last time he brought a buddy in a suit and his pretty daughter, who stayed in the minivan. I just don’t have the heart/balls to say, “Look, dummies, your beliefs are lame. You keep holding up the Bible and saying it’s God’s word, but every single time you’ve said the world is nearing its end YOU’VE BEEN WRONG. If God made the Earth AND wrote the Bible, which is the more authoritative text? I say the Earth. It’s a fucking PLANET, and it speaks in many ways, saying that it’s billions of years old, saying that evolution happened and is still happening. Science is right every time, because it rewrites itself constantly. Read the planet. The Bible is an antique.”

Last episode, they read me some Bible and kept justifying its truth by pointing out how popular it is, and how long it’s been around. POPULAR: “It’s sold more copies than any other book!” I said, “Yeah, except for the year that Hitler put out Mien Kampf—that was the only time a book outsold the Bible,” but they didn’t seem discouraged from using popularity as a gage for truth, even after I pointed out that there are probably more copies of the Koran on the other side of the planet. Then it was on to the longevity of the Bible: “It’s been around for 2000 years!” Well, there are hieroglyphs in Egypt much older, maybe they are the real truth... but again, science wins: fossils are up to a billion years old, telling the true story. Some meteorites are even older, not to mention light from quasars, etc.

Since they always leave me with copies of The Watchtower and Awake!, I should take those door-to-door and explain to people why they’re such bunk: “Hey, look at this bullshit! Isn’t it a hoot? Even the pictures are dumb.” If you’d like to become one of Woody’s Witnesses, I’ll get you a Bible and some Watchtowers, and we’ll spread the good news.