Quincy Me, Quincy You

Tonight I learned that in childhood my wife, just like me, often watched the intro to the TV show Quincy M.E. but never watched the show. It must have had something good on before it. I always watched it at least until the part where Quincy challenged the new-meat medical interns to a hideous corpse by pulling back the sheet. They gagged and doubled over and I think one fell down. Awesome!

But was I ever tempted to watch the whole show? Fuck no! My wife thought it was about a doctor who got a lot of dates with attractive women. As far as I could tell, it was about an old guy with a strong stomach. I also always wondered what the M.E. stood for. That was the only thing I was curious about. I wouldn't be interested in watching a show about an old guy until The Equalizer, unless My Favorite Martian in syndication counts.

I'm going to see if the Quincy intro is on Youtube. The intro is all I want.

Now that I've seen it, she's right—Quincy appears to score more than his share of hot ass.

TV Show Proposal

A blog is a good format for ideas that will never be developed further. Here is an idea for a TV show that is as good as any in development, but because I have no clout or capability in the realm of broadcasting, this is as far as it will ever go.

"Ten-Dollar Haircut! and The Handbag Violator"

This is a two-part show. For starters, there is a hand-painted sign on Kearney Street here in Springfield. It is poorly painted on a little sign like you normally see for garage sales. It says "$10 Haircut" with an arrow pointing back into a crappy neighborhood. This is where you start. Each "contestant" drives here and has to get said haircut. Of course the obvious glee comes when we subject upper-class women to the Ten Dollar Haircut, but actually it will be nice to see people from all walks of life enter this experience. Maybe our hearts will be warmed when a homeless man is shorn of his scraggle and he feels social pride again. Maybe we'll laugh when some rich bitch protests her new do. Then again, maybe the Ten Dollar hairstylist will prove to be masterful and hip to current fashion. If this haircutter turns out to be a bland character, maybe we find a place with $5 haircuts.

As time allows, the people getting haircuts will turn their handbags and/or wallets over to the Handbag Violator, a guy named David Hohner. I recently saw him sort through the contents of a girl's purse at a restaurant. She watched as he verbalized lots of assumptions about her, drawn from whatever came out of her purse. Some of it was true, some not, but it was all pretty amusing just because he fearlessly jumped to conclusions about a person he'd just met. It was presented with confidence, like, "Here's a ziploc baggie with some Tylenol and napkins in it, so you're organized and like to keep things clean." He could tell if someone had kids or not, if they had pets, how wealthy they were, etc. At the time I called it Purse Rape, but now I prefer Handbag Violator, and David had a talent for it.

So there you have two handy ways to make low-budget reality TV with minimal cast, crew, or resources.

World's Fattest Ferret

Just trying to find out if people's factual outrage over the claim that this is a ferret will outweigh the automatic pleasure of looking at a picture of a kitty on the internet.

Spotlight on Reuben

What is Reuben?

A wacky beast.

A stinky powerhouse.

A beefy monsta.

Mirth made flesh.

Eternal canine baby.

Gaze into his face for a dollop of brain-mayonnaise.

It looks like he has a little tear on his face.

Maybe because he can't breathe right.

Reuben's tear means love.

The Fall Guy in Colombia

At a flea market last weekend, I saw this Fall Guy lunchbox and almost bought it for this guy I know, Antonio Martinez from Bogota, Colombia. I worked with him for a few months around 2006. We had many conversations about Latin America and whatnot. One of the nuttier surprises about growing up in Colombia is that, according to Antonio, Colombian children worshiped The Fall Guy. BUT, in their country that's not what the show was called. Apparently the title was changed to something in Spanish that translates roughly as "Dangerous Professions!" I remember it took about half a day to piece all this together because, without the same titles, I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

Antonio said the Fall Guy's tough pickup was the dream vehicle of every Colombian boy. Colt Sievers's truck maybe had some kung-fu grip on their imaginations because it apparently resembled the hefty old trucks they use to harvest coffee in the mountains around Bogota.

Here's a Youtube where we learn how big are the balls on Colt's truck!

HOLY SHIT!

What's the Secret to My New Look?

Luckily, it's frosting.

Plus, a new story from Uncle Clown's Toothless Tales:


The Towers of Bologna

There was a baboon who lived in Italy on a very nice chair. He sat in his chair all day long, picking nits out of his fur and keeping an eye on his neighbors. Needless to say, his chair was rather grimy, even smelly.

One day a bunch of workmen built a bologna factory right next to his chair. They didn’t ask him or anything. “Rude!” said the baboon, but the workmen kept right on going because they had to have immense bologna ready by mid-October.

When the first slices of bologna came out, the baboon requested a sample. The Foreman said he would look into it, but in fact he never did. Big trucks started hauling bologna out to the hungry Italians, honking their horns at the baboon, who was writing a letter to his mother. (WTF, Ma? Love, Randy) When his birthday came, a package arrived for him, from his mom. She’d sent him a lasso and a book about big trucks.

He practiced with the lasso for a long time, until his lasso skills were unearthly. He could lasso a praying mantis off a dandelion. He could lasso a low-flying goose. He could even lasso two human heads and conk them together. He knew he was ready.

When mid-October came, so much bologna was done that it was stacked in towers around the factory. All the trucks were loaded and still there were stacks of delicious bologna 50 feet tall steaming in the sun. Just when he was about to lasso one of the bologna towers, he overheard the Foreman yelling for more ingredients.

“Gross!” said the baboon when he heard what the bologna was made of. He decided bologna was not what he wanted after all, so he lassoed his chair and dragged it down to the apple orchard, where he could sit in the shade and lasso apples for every meal.