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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

xtranormal megafail

Damn it, bring this shit back, internet!
Something bad happened to the website "xtranormal," where you could make cool animated movies with your own dialogue in the mouths of little cartoon characters. I made one a few years ago, but it's gone, and the idiots who bought out the site not only lost all the videos, but the editing program is defunct, so I can't remake it. At least I still have the script, which is a conversation between my mom and me. It's kind of a "greatest hits" of my mom's best lunacy from around 2009-2010, all rolled into one dialogue, with my exasperation as a bonus. 

(Unfortunately I can't recreate the clunky, Siri-style voices and the little gestures the characters made, not to mention the zooming and "camerawork," which made it more fun to watch.)

Chad, are you going to cowboy church with us?

No, Mom. I mean, you know if I go, it will just be to make fun of people and look for whoever tells you all those lies about Obama.

There are some really nice people at cowboy church. They play good music and there’s such good food, and there’s hardly any church. Even Sam likes to go, because they don’t really preach.

Well, I might go someday. Not this week.

Don’t you like country music?

You know I don’t. Johnny Cash is the only country guy I like.

Maybe if you go, you’ll get to meet Doctor Mosier, the vet from Ash Grove. He’s so nice. Did you know that Al Gore lied about all that global warming? Do you think he just made it all up? I thought he used to really be an honest fella. He’s the son of a cattleman, you know.

What? No, Al Gore didn’t lie.  I mean, we can’t prove any of it yet, because it takes years just to measure what’s happening in the atmosphere. Is Doctor Mosier the one who tells you all this crap? What a jerk.

No, he’s a very nice man. His daughter died about fifteen years ago. That was so sad, and he is just the nicest man. He was a large animal vet, so you know what kind of great person he is.

Okay. Well, I don’t know if that really makes you any sort of person, but I’m sure you like him.

He keeps track of all the bad things Obama is doing to America. Here in just a couple of years they’re going to take the flag down from the White House and take away all our bibles and make everyone become Muslim.

Oh Jesus. Quit listening to this shit. Two years ago you thought Obama was going to take everybody’s guns away, but that never happened, did it?

Well, not yet, but it still might.

That doesn’t make any sense! You know Obama is running for re-election, right? How is he going to get any votes if he forces everybody to change their religion and steals their guns? He’s not going to do anything like that. He’s just a middle of the road politician. He’s not a socialist or a Muslim, he’s just a boring president who’s black, so old people in Ash Grove don’t like him.

When I listen to my teevee preacher on Sunday morning, he says Christians are going to be rounded up by the government.

Which one is saying that? It sounds like that evil creep from Texas, what’s his name? John Hagee.

Oh, I believe everything he says.

OH GOD! You like John Hagee? He’s probably the WORST ONE.

I love listening to him. He’s so smart.

Oh man, he’s such a gross, fat, city slicker bastard. He’s just a disgusting hatemonger.

He’s wonderful. I need him to help me get into Heaven.

No you don’t! He just wants you to think that so you’ll send him money. He doesn’t have any direct line to God any more than I do. He does sermons against education because he wants people to be stupid.

He preaches against Muslims because they’re trying to take over the country, just like they’re taking over Sweden. I talked to a man from Sweden, and he said the Muslims just have to reach fifteen percent of the population, and then they can take over.

I’ll bet that’s what Sarah Palin says, too.

Sarah Palin wants to save the world. If Saturday Night Live would just stop picking on her, she could sell more books and become president, and then we could get prayer back in schools.

God damn. What else is on your mind, Mom?

You know they’re sending all the horses to Mexico to be tortured, and soon there won’t be any animals left in the United States. They want to get rid of all the farmers.

Who are “THEY”? Who is doing this?

Obama and the animal rights people. The PETA people. Now that they passed Proposition B, all the good dogs are going to be euthanized, and only the rescue dogs will be left. All the best dogs that breeders have been working with for years will be gone.

You know that your pure bred dogs all came from wolves, right? All that selective breeding proves Darwin’s theories, because Darwin just said that evolution is just the accumulation of traits favored by the environment.

Oh, I don’t believe in evolution. I believe in Adam and Eve.

God dammit.

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