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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

An Open Letter to Tootsie Roll Industries

above: the author suppresses his "cough nubbin"
re: Junior Mints

In response to the terribly unsatisfying “story” on the back panel of the Junior Mints package:

Over fifty years ago a new “Star” was born. Given Junior Mints’ popularity at the movies it comes as no surprise that the brand was named after a top Broadway play in 1949: “Junior Miss”!

My contempt for this story can scarcely be conveyed—from its capitalization of the word “star” to its utter failure to impress me with anything resembling irony, verbal wit or even mere surprise. For starters, I see negligible connection between Broadway and “the movies” in the contemporary world. Perhaps if I’m seeing “Chicago,” this tale reeks less of utter senselessness.

I have also discovered that your product, if devoured in a time of illness, can stimulate the “cough nubbin” region of the throat during those most sensitive moments of movie-seat tension. Perhaps if you printed a warning on the box, vulnerable consumers would not be caught unawares, thus reducing these disastrously inopportune occurrences of “tickle throat” and subsequent coughing fits. Something like "Junior Mints may aggravate the human body" would cover most situations.

Let there be no confusion: this in no way subtracts from the immense pleasure I derive from the mints themselves. You have engineered a chocolaty capsule fully capable of delivering its flowing minty payload—it’s a rampaging taste sensation, there’s no denying that. However, numerous mints do not survive their journey to my theater seat intact. Many a box has bottomed out in a disappointment of mashed, merged, bleeding, wrecked and otherwise compromised treats, a phenomenon I refer to as “Manure Mints.” It is my wish that, for everyone’s sake, you will rectify this snacking catastrophe with some kind of space-age wisdom or system of recompense.

Mr. "Woody"

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