Highlights from the Ash Grove Christmas parade

For some reason, my wife loves parades. She would go to parades all the time if possible. She recently realized she might want her ashy mortal remains spread at a parade, so now I'll REALLY feel guilty if I don't go with her at parade time. At least there are some good photo ops.

Drunkish Yulebilly

Evil incarnate

Mobile Tree Display

Family dog hates impostor

Parade finale

Triple Bitch-time

Problem: Lately people have been wasting my time by standing me up. They say they’ll call or come over. Last Friday two people said they would probably come by where I work to help me move furniture, and both said they would take some stuff off my hands, stuff I’ve been saving for them. I stayed at work until almost 8pm until I gave up. No one came or called. Solution 1: Don’t let someone think you’re coming, or that you’re going to call, if you’re not going to. This is what is known as a big fucking waste of everybody’s time. Solution 2: I should just throw all this shit in the fucking dumpster. If somebody shows up wanting it, I’ll just say, “It’s in the fucking trash if you want it.”

Problem: The TV screens in restaurants and bars always show sports, usually football. What if some of us don’t like fucking football? When did sports become the default thing we all have to look at? I’d rather see the fucking weather channel, bastards. Solution 1: Just turn the damn thing off. Solution 2: Bugs Bunny cartoons. Everybody likes them. Solution 3: My new intro for Monday Night Football, “Always too much,” Instead of Hank Williams Junior or Faith Hill singing while American flags, fireworks and shit fly, we’ll see monster trucks riding massive bombs down to the city, blasting out a huge crater which is now the stadium, and the players crawl from the rubble belching fire and shitting grenades, which they throw as footballs, blasting the shit out of fans who catch them--their skulls pile up and the players eat the skulls like popcorn.

Problem: Lots of people are complaining about being broke, and whining that food is expensive.
Solution: Broke? Eat some oatmeal, fucker. Ramen, baked potatoes, macaroni and cheese…. Lipton noodle pack come in about ten flavors. Fla-vor-aid is like ten packs for a dollar, and tapwater is like a penny per gallon. For most of my life I made less than ten grand a year, and I never went hungry. I mean, if you’re starving, you gotta go to the food bank; otherwise, shut the fuck up and eat cheap stuff.