Priceless Letter from Ozarks Crackpot

Ever read a letter from a Computational Evolutionary Neurophilosopher who loves pussy cats? Now is your chance! (If the type isn't too small to read).

The Winter that Wouldn't Die

Chillzilla. King Winter. Snowmageddon.

Here at Cranial Stomp, we know you can't get enough of winter's wonders—encrusted windshields, frozen plumbing, skyrocketing utility bills and frostbitten cockles. Seasonal affective disorder and the trundling pre-disease of mild vitamin-D deficiency. Now you can keep this winter to remember in your heart and home long after the season's gross slushes melt down the gutter. Commemorate the 2009-2010 winter with this original woodcut print by a nationally unrecognized master of the half-ass, Chad Woody.

All your favorites are here: Floppy Duck, Burly Rabbit and Sasquatch, buried up to their necks in misery, helping you recall the season when J.D. Salinger gave up the ghost, Dexter got cancer, and YOUR car wouldn't start. You live in Florida or Texas? Fuck you, too--there was snow on the ground in ALL 50 states (Hawaii unconfirmed) this past Valentine's weekend, even though snow refused to fall on the Vancouver Olympics even as kids foolishly died trying to ice skate near Atlanta, Georgia. Keep this bitter irony alive for generations to come with this fine tribute to winter 2010: a block print lovingly rendered in two dimensions, demonstrating how the elements take their toll on humanoid and beast alike. Light embossment in the paper serves as evidence that some sort of pressure was applied in the elbow-greasy printing process, and Mr. Woody's signature proves his basic literacy.

All this can be yours for the agreeable price of $5 postpaid. OR, send just $1 AND a photo of your own winter-related suffering to: Chad Woody, 927 W. Nichols St., Springfield, MO 65802

A Little Neglect Goes A Long Way Toward A Ladies' Mustache

I just like saying that.

Cabin Fever Setting In

In an apparent last-ditch ploy to boost ratings, TV weatherpeople now call frost "freezing fog." Watch out, Geritol fans! This aggressive new strain of fog will crystalize right on your outdoor surfaces and create extra spiky frost that will dazzle you as it kills everything in its path.


Also, this.

In an apparent last-ditch effort to boost blog hits, this woman has dressed her cat like a little girl. "Pretty Paws," she claims, will be our ticket to the big-time. Unfortunately, this is a destination I want no part of. I was supposed to crop her out. Victory is mine!

Not scandalized yet? The cat in the dress is MALE.

Ailes-a-Mania

In reference to my previous post, "Fox News vs. Frogs," I went a-googling to dig up the name of the CEO of Fox News, and in the flood of Roger Ailes entries, discovered armies, legions, hordes of mad Fox acolytes who think the guy is just messianic and luscious, as in Laura-Ingraham-drooling-on-Dick-Cheney worshipful. In the aftermath of like 40 messages about how Ailes really showed that dumb bitch Arianna Huffington what for, and how he totally aced that Nobel laureate pussy Paul Krugman, I was like, What the fuck were these people watching? The guy rarely even answered the question at hand, much less with any rhetorical skill. He's about as charismatic as my foot after it's been in a wet boot all day (seen above). I finally posted the following, knowing I'm just stirring the turd.

What a pathetic wank-fest for lovers of ignorance, brainless fearmongering, and the basest of petty values. Because he can't contribute anything of value to the actual discussion at hand (health-care), Ailes changes the topic to--surprise--security and sovereignty of America. Oh! oh! Save me from the shoebombers and the "underpants" bombers, Roger! The guy smiles smugly for the camera each time he says "underpants" as if he's just produced some great comedic masterpiece. What a bunch of lamebrains, if you think this rich fat parasite is a Great American. He's a little baby Nero, and wow, he does have a face like a fist, which would be cool if it wasn't the Right Fist of Doom.

Shower Wolverine

Shower-verine? Showerine?